Warning: Post contains blue comedy..ha ha, ha ha. Haha.
It was dark backstage and strangely it seemed as if it would be even darker when I swished through the curtains and took to the battlefield. It's been over two years since I last did a stand up gig and now thanks to a friend I'm the third act at a charity fund-raiser at the Buff-Club.
I was worried I'd be rusty - and those worries were proved right. I had cartwheels in my stomach as I heard the MC say, "And now ladies and gentlemen, Dai Bando."
And then, there I was again, standing on a small stage, blank faces staring back at me. I looked into those faces, raised the mic to my mouth and said, "F**K O*F. That got the first laugh, admittedly only a small one but then I was off, rabbiting through a routine that contained something old and something new. I read the audience and knew the blue stuff would go down well and so I went through the routine about pulling a bird at Blackpool in the summer..." It was only when the fresh air hit me that I realised this was the biggest f***ing bird I'd ever seen. I took her knickers down and her arse was still in them. She asked if I'd taken precautions and I told her I'd tied my feet to a lamppost.."
From there it was senior citizen sex, politics (this went down better than I expected), the smoking ban, and of course Dai Bando's old favourite, the alluring qualities of the average Welsh sheep. It all went well and to think the last time I did a comedy gig I was knocked out cold by an irate punter. The only part of the show I was worried about was where I talked about the late great George Carling and then, as if I was a singer doing a cover version, I performed his excellent Modern Man monologue. The audience loved it. Oh and I also got to plug Tarnished Star and Arkansas Smith to end the show.
I know the show was video recorded by several people and I've been promised a disc of my fifteen minute slot. When I get it I'll post it here on the Archive.
Dai Bando is alive and well and looking for more gigs and sheep.